A Little Touch

Changing my patient's brief this happened.

I thought it was an accident, but then she said:

"I used to have breasts like this."

Then she caressed my waist and then went back to my breast.

What can I say?  I have nice breasts.  Even old confused ladies know it.

"Love ye therefore the stranger." Deuteronomy 10:19a

I/O cath

So I was helping to in and out cath this lady yesterday.  I mean the nurse didn't want to do it, so I did it and she watched.  I like to get my hands dirty, so I didn't mind helping.

I set up the sterile field, glove up, etc.  You know.  And I go in for the urethra.

The urine starts coming out, and she grabbed my boob.  This old lady who can't pee grabbed my boob.

I thought she did it on accident, but then she said:

I used to have breasts like these.

Laughter ensued.  Then she proceeded to caress my waist and breast until we were done.

"Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love." Proverbs 5:19

Is It Raining?

Confused patient: Can I go out for a cigarette?
Me: No.
Confused patient: Oh, is it raining?
Me. Yes. Yes, it is.

It wasn't raining.

Reason #5486 to not smoke: even your confused brain craves it.

"And if it be not so now, who will make me a liar, and make my speech nothing worth?" Job 24:25

Stop Whining

Heard this conversation the other day between a patient and a nurse.

"Time to go to your CT scan."

"Uhhhh, my tummy, don't turn me that way.  It hurts."

"You drank all that contrast already, so really need to go to this CT scan."

"But my tummy, my back."

"Stop whining.  You have to get this CT scan.  Uh, I mean *kiss on the patient's forehead* we're going to move you over to the stretcher, you'll get the CT scan, then you'll be back, and we'll get you all settled for the night."

"And when the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp." Numbers 11:1

Cigarettes

My patient called me a bitch last week.

She was angry because I was keeping her from her cigarettes.

Cigarettes.

Reason #2687 to not smoke.

"And the smoke of the incense, [which came] with the prayers of the saints, ascended up before God out of the angel's hand." Revelation 8:4

Fluid Restriction

On a scale from 1 to 10, do you want to know how much I care about your fluid restriction?  With 10 being the most care I can muster.

Zero. Z. E. R. O. Zero.

You want coffee this early in the morning?  You go right ahead and drink what ever you please, even if it is over your fluid limit for 24 hours, you know the risks of drinking more than your prescribed ml's of fluid a day, but I'm not in the room 24/7 watching what you put in your mouth.  Stop harassing the CNA, she is doing her job by asking you what you drank/ate.  And yes, yogurt is a fluid.  Yes, I had to Google it, but yes, it's a dairy product that melts, similar to popsicles and sorbet and ice cream and coffee creamer.  You, the patient, must care about your body more than anyone else.  I'll educate you, but I am not going to be your mother.

Do you need anything else?  Are you all set?  Is there anything else I can do for you?  *smile*  Okay, you call me if you need anything.  You have your call bell.  Okay good.  Call me if you need anything.  I'll be back to check on you soon.

"Now we exhort you, brethern, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feebleminded, support the weak, be patient toward all men." 1 Thessalonians 5:14

Pain Pills But Nausea

Pancreatitis Patient: *questionable dry heaving* I. Need. Pain. Medicine.
Me: I'll get you some Zofran for your nausea, but since your pain meds are pills, I can't give you anything until you stop feeling so nauseous.

15 minutes later.

PP: I'm not nauseous anymore. I want pain medicine.
Me: Okay. How bad is your pain on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the worst pain you can imagine?
PP: 10.
Me: Okay, I'll be back.

"But his flesh upon him shall have pain, and his soul within him shall mourn." Job 14:22

Six Months

This morning the manager comes to me during report and tells me she has a paper for me to sign in her office before I go home.

It was my permanent employment papers.  Like what I've been doing for the last six months was provisional employment.

So, yeah, I get to keep my job. =)

Totally didn't realized that until this morning when I signed the paper.

She said I didn't act like a new nurse.

"What does that mean?"
"It's a complement."
"Thanks!"

Six months.  Wow.

"Sing unto him a new song; play skilfully with a loud noise." Psalm 33:3

That Makes Three

I kissed another patient last night.

That makes 3 patient now I think.

I'm going to get a reputation doing things like that.

"Salute one another with an holy kiss." Romans 16:16a

Can I Have Your Scissors?

Patient, "Can I have your scissors to cut my nails?"

Me, "No, sorry."

Patient, "I just want to cut my nails not kill myself!"

Me, "If you cut your finger off you are going to sue me.  And you have c-diff, so you can't touch anything of mine.  Is there anything else I can get for you?  Are you in pain right now?  No?  I'll be back to check on you soon."

"Because I have called, and ye refused; I have stretched out my hand, and no man regarded; But ye have set at nought all my counsel, and would none of my reproof: I also will laugh at your calamity; I will mock when your fear cometh." Proverb 1:24-26

Girls Are Crazy

This girl was looking at herself intensely in the mirror and her friend asked her what she was looking at.

She said, "I'm feeling really self conscious about my hair."

"Why? Your hair looks perfect."

"Yeah, like I'm going to a piano recital."

"Don't they want perfect hair at piano recitals?"

"Yeah...."

"Then took Mary a pound of ointment of spikenard, very costly, and anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped his feet with her hair: and the house was filled with the odour of the ointment." John 12:3

First!

So almost two weeks ago I became an RN!  After years of hard work, here I am.

This is the start of something new, as opposed to the end of school.

I have a job, and I start this coming Monday.  Like a real job.  So excited!

Right after I interviewed for my job, I went to a urine drug screening.  I was sitting in the waiting room, waiting.  There was another lady there waiting.  She looked like she was probably 40-ish.  We talked for a second.

40-Year-Old-Lady: I like your dress.
Me: Thanks!
40-Year-Old-Lady: Did you have an interview today?
Me: Yes. Did you?
40-Year-Old-Lady. Yep.  What kind of job did you apply for?
Me: An RN position. You?
40-Year-Old-Lady: A CNA position...

Awkward...

"In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth." Genesis 1:1